just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Too much gin, very little bucket
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
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