dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
