I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
