sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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