he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
