Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
