It's like God shit irony all over that family
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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