I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
