Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
