Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
