So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
