I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
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