So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
