using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
