My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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