You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
