Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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