He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
