I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
