I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
