last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
