She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
