to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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