I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
