Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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