I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
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Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
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Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
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