I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
