Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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