She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
