Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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