he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize