I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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