I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
