there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
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You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
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I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
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