Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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