Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
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