she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
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