haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
We named our party play list daddy issues
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
