hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
