Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
