My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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