the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I need moral support for this bender
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
