how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I understand Curling. That high.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
