I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
