i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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