Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
