Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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