I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
