I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
