Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
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