I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm both gender and math confused
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
