just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
