We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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