Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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