I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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