Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
