so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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