I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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