The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
and she was petting her beer can
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
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