I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
We had to coat check the pizza.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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